I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
