he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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