you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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