I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
