I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
