Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
tell me about the fingering
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