Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
