If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
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