We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
