shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
