There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
