Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
