Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
