Ambien. No doubt about it.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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