My liver just broke up with me...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
