I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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