Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
