I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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