you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
