she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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