did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do vagina's smell?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
