i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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