Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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