I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
