the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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