So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize