i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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