That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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