Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
