We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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