when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize