her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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