standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
