Someone shit on the floor
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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