got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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