I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
