I'm laying in your front yard are you home
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
There's always time for handjobs
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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