sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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