Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize