He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
