she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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