She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
