I accidentally had phone sex last night
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
