Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
