Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
