Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Someone came in the potted fern
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
