There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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