Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
