so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
