i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
