You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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