ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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