yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize