i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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