Don't you send me to vm
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Ketchup is God's man juice
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
