Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
