I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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