I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
