i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
