Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
