My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
