I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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