If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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