I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
