roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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