Im at strip club and am horny
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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