I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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