Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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