i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
