in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
