did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize