Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
