...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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