dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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