We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
